[A pause. She's been delaying on this for at least a week, and no matter how many times she's had to hold her nose and do something unpleasant, it never feels easy.]
[She's there already. She's wearing a shirt dress today, about as practical as it gets when it comes to dresses, and her hair is loose. She turns to look when she hears him coming, and she finds herself briefly pursing her lips. The impulse to change her tact threatens to overwhelm her; just a glance over him has her thinking about being pinned to the wall and flushing clear up to her roots.
But she has to hold fast. Be cool about it. She's good at that.]
[He looks up, sees her in that dress, feels himself falter a bit. He runs his tongue along the paper and rolls it up, giving himself something else to think about, something to do with his hands. Because as much as he wants to have that back, he knows that it's not good. None of it's good. For either of them.
Alright. Breach was weird. Still trying to figure out where I go from that.
[She could dig into the Admiral's fascination with her being a mother, and all that ways it digs at her, but that's a thought for another time. Task at hand:]
[She feels sometimes like if there's anything she's an expert in, it's not smuggling guns or finessing ration cards or sneaking around clickers, it's picking men who can't even look her in the eyes when they say shit like that. Not sorry, just I fucked up. Not I apologize, just I didn't want to do it, but I did anyway.
But it's a start, isn't it? Maybe?
If she hadn't come here already thinking it was over, getting an admission of guilt when she invited him here might have been the last nail in the coffin.
Fuck this, she thinks, but it's about a half second away from the thought that she's going to regret this for a long time.
She takes a deep breath that feels like it could be a sigh and just nods.]
I wasn't exactly a peach either. But I was thinking... maybe it was all a fantasy anyway. You said I know you, but that’s not true. I don’t know you. I don't know you because you don’t know you.
[A brief pause, a plucking up of resolve.]
And you don't know me, at least not well enough to not hurt me.
[He laughs at that, though the sound isn't amused as much as it is a little sad.]
Yeah. You don't think people who don't know you can't hurt you?
[But that's not really the point.]
I'm gonna fix it, Tess. Gonna go home and take care of 'em myself. Ain't fair to Trouble to put that on them and just hope that someone else can fix me in the meantime. I can't do what I need to unless I know who the hell I am.
[She's markedly less enthused, glancing away for a moment. No remark on that first bit. No real desire to remark on the second, either, but she's this far in already.]
Good luck, then.
[She does mean that sincerely. Might as well have one man she's been into grow.]
[He takes the luck, resists the urge to say something sarcastic in return. He wants to believe that it's genuine because, well, it feels good to think that she means it. Because despite what he says and what he tells her, he does care for her. He doesn't know her, but he knows that much. He always will.]
I'll be back when I can.
Maybe we can start over then.
[Of course, he'll go no-contact if that's what she wants. But there will always be a part of him that's drawn to her. They had things in common. They talked, even when it seemed like things were only physical. Those are the parts he cares about.]
[Something uncoils in his chest, something he didn't even know was there. He was going to do this no matter what, but hearing her say that makes it seem less of a trek.]
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Deck in five?
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[He's up there in five, pulling a bit of paper and tobacco from inside his pocket as he walks to the deck.]
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But she has to hold fast. Be cool about it. She's good at that.]
How you been?
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The question, though, gives him pause.
Honesty. He's supposed to be honest.]
Been better. Breach was - well, a breach.
You?
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[She could dig into the Admiral's fascination with her being a mother, and all that ways it digs at her, but that's a thought for another time. Task at hand:]
So.
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So nothin'. You ain't gotta tell me anything, Tess. I mean...the way we left it, the way I left it was shitty, hm?
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Yeah. I figured you probably didn't even want to talk to me again after that.
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Huh. No. I-
[He stares at the stars.] Never wanted to hurt you, Tess. And I know I did.
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But it's a start, isn't it? Maybe?
If she hadn't come here already thinking it was over, getting an admission of guilt when she invited him here might have been the last nail in the coffin.
Fuck this, she thinks, but it's about a half second away from the thought that she's going to regret this for a long time.
She takes a deep breath that feels like it could be a sigh and just nods.]
I wasn't exactly a peach either. But I was thinking... maybe it was all a fantasy anyway. You said I know you, but that’s not true. I don’t know you. I don't know you because you don’t know you.
[A brief pause, a plucking up of resolve.]
And you don't know me, at least not well enough to not hurt me.
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Yeah. You don't think people who don't know you can't hurt you?
[But that's not really the point.]
I'm gonna fix it, Tess. Gonna go home and take care of 'em myself. Ain't fair to Trouble to put that on them and just hope that someone else can fix me in the meantime. I can't do what I need to unless I know who the hell I am.
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Good luck, then.
[She does mean that sincerely. Might as well have one man she's been into grow.]
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I'll be back when I can.
Maybe we can start over then.
[Of course, he'll go no-contact if that's what she wants. But there will always be a part of him that's drawn to her. They had things in common. They talked, even when it seemed like things were only physical. Those are the parts he cares about.]
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I'd like that.
[She's not sure of how serious he is, but she'll go out on a limb for it. It doesn't have to be scorched earth, not again.]
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Yeah. Alright.
You take care of yourself, huh?
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That's the plan, Tess.
I'll seeya soon.
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Yeah. See you soon.